Twilight - Vampire Book With No Bite

The “Twilight” series, by Stephenie Meyer, has swept the nation like swine flu, infecting our youth with its sexist, unreal view of the world, and sickening them till, in their delusional state of mind, they believe a stalker with fangs is the epitome of the perfect man.

“Twilight” chronicles the dull life of Bella Swan, a whiny main character who falls in love with a vampire who sparkles in the sun like the petroleum infused glittery gel that women spread on their bodies. The majority of the first book is spent waiting for a plot – don’t worry, it never comes. Move on to book two, where we watch Bella curl up in a ball, trying to fill a hole in her heart. This is where the real sexism comes into play. Bella is portrayed as someone who, when separated from her man, crawls into bed and cries for three or four months. Without a guy by her side, she is even weaker than she used to be with Edward, the vampire who thirsts for her blood. The third book has us still waiting for a plot, hoping that it might come along. Surprise! It doesn’t.

There’s some pull that makes us read the fourth book. It’s not the writing, for that in and of itself is horrendous and bland. Some compare Meyer to J.K. Rowling, author of the “Harry Potter” books. Stephen King speaks the opinions of the literate folks out there –apparently there are precious few—saying “The real difference is that Jo Rowling is a terrific writer and Stephenie Meyer can’t write worth a darn. She’s not very good.”

Of course, as soon as we rush to pick up “Breaking Dawn”, it’s clear we made a mistake in purchasing the obese thing that can barely be labeled a book. It’s more like a 400+ page fanfiction, written by someone with no idea what the term ‘characterization’ means. Bella is still the same whiny girl she once was, except now, she’s pregnant and annoying. It’s almost as bad as “The Secret Life of the American Teenager”! Bella also chugs down some serious blood to satiate her demon spawn. The birth scene is reminiscent of “Alien”, when the extra-terrestrial bursts from the stomach. At least in “Alien” they had the sense not to name the alien Renesmee. Like any sane adult, Bella chooses to name her demonic baby a mix of Renee, and Esme, her mother and mother in law. I wish my mother had named me a mixture of my grandmothers’ names. Gusan is a lovely name for any child, no?

The book ends with no bang, no bustle, and no happiness or tears. There’s only a blank feeling of relief that it’s finally over, though those of us who know what good writing is can appreciate the true lack of character development and conflict, and the extensive sexism that drives this series.

So, why is the series so incredibly popular? Girls everywhere want a vampire to sneak into their rooms and watch them sleep in a rocking chair, rocking back and forth, back `and forth. It’s because of the skill Meyer has of taking stereotyped themes and making them open to a different demographic. Twilight is a vampire Young Adult series for people who don’t like vampire Young Adult series’. Meyer successfully hit the giant group of people who normally don’t read these books, and sucked in some who do, as well. Mothers seem to enjoy reading Twilight as well, perhaps because they enjoy reading what their children do.

The “Twilight” series, though sexist, juvenile, and still cliché, is still inexplicably popular. Girls –and boys- follow it in a cult-like obsession, worshipping the ground that people dressed as Edward walk on. It may continue like this for a long time – but hopefully, someone else with crappy writing will come along and start a new cult. Though some may disagree with Meyer’s writing style, and her ideas, it is still undeniable that she has thrown the entire world for a loop with her books, and that is something any author should be proud to have done.

Originality - 4/10
Prose - .5/10
Fanbase - 0/10

Book, shredded.